Hawaii—Unstable. Unpredictable. A wispy orange top. It practically named itself.

With an angry orange glow, the Kilauea Volcano is destroying everything in its path. This natural disaster seems to have a relentless and all-consuming appetite. Locals have dubbed the monster Lua Pele Trump.

“Everyone knows President Trump hates immigrants and Hawaii is full of us,” said Filipino American Gabrielle Campino. “It just made sense to name this heinous explosion emitting toxic gas in his honour.”

On May 3 the volcano erupted, spewing lava that moved on the occupants of Leilani Estates like a bitch. “For so long, we lived with this dormant beast,” said resident Rodney Melman. “Every so often, it would demand attention and then simmer down again, fading into the background. But this build-up and then eruption? The resulting chaos of daily life? It’s unbearable. Couldn’t science or news or someone have predicted this?”

The explosions and resulting earthquakes on the Big Island continue to be almost constant, dumbfounding locals and experts alike. Flaming rivers of molten rock flow while fissures erupt in surprising places.

Ottawa-based geologist Marlene Barris said Kilauea poses a threat to everyone exposed to its ire. “The most recent menace is laze, which is a combination of lava and haze caused where the river of fire contacts the Pacific Ocean. This collision sends hydrochloric acid and tiny glass-like particles into the air. It can be a deadly combination.” Barris declined to comment on what part of Trump’s presidency might parallel the phenomenon, saying only that if two such forces come together Canadians should “brace for mass immigration”.

Scientists say the only solution is to let the volcano run out of steam. Or to impeach it.

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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