Americans Elect Convicted Felon as President
WASHINGTON – In a move that left political analysts scrambling for new definitions of irony, the American people have elected a convicted felon as their 47th president. Donald J. Drumpf,…
Thomas Mulcair’s Beard Offers Services to Aspiring Trudeau Challengers
MONTREAL — In a surprising twist to Canadian politics, Thomas Mulcair’s beard, once a defining feature of the former New Democratic Party leader, has announced its availability to any politician…
Discount Senior Retirement Home Chain Targets People Who Didn’t Love Their Parents Very Much
TORONTO — Yes, Toronto. In a move that has raised eyebrows and lowered expectations, a new franchise of discount senior retirement homes, aptly named “Forget-Me-Not Homes,” has launched with a…
FOX News Accidentally Releases Fair and Balanced Reporting
NEW YORK — FOX News, the renowned bastion of conservative viewpoints, unintentionally met their “fair and balance” reporting standard after what insiders are calling a “clerical error” left the network’s…
Shakespeare Descendant Kicks Oxford Press CEO Over Dictionary’s Trendy Words
OXFORD, England — In an unexpected and theatrical twist befitting the Bard himself, a direct descendant of William Shakespeare has made headlines by physically confronting the CEO of Oxford University…
Baby’s Dramatic Baptismal Meltdown Stuns Churchgoers
TRURO, Nova Scotia (AP) — The tranquil town of Truro was thrown into disarray last Sunday when baby Olivia Thompson, just six months old, staged a dramatic protest during her…
Man Publishes Coffee Table Book Illustrating His Dishwasher Loading Technique
TIMMINS, Ontario — In a small but proud moment for the local literary scene, Timmins resident Brian Patterson has published a coffee table book that has garnered both curiosity and…
Andrew Ridgeley’s “Legacy of Wham!” Tour Reminds Us He Was There, Too
WADEBRIDGE, CORNWALL, ENGLAND — Andrew Ridgeley, the often overlooked half of the iconic 1980s pop duo Wham!, is hitting the road solo in a bold bid to remind the world…
Untaxed Cigarettes Pose Significant Health Risk, Government Warns
OTTAWA — In a recent announcement that has left the public gasping for breath, the Government of Canada has issued a dire warning about the dangers of untaxed cigarettes. According…
Stalled Escalators Entrap Thousands Each Year
EDMONTON — In what some are calling a “national crisis in vertical mobility,” a new study has found that stalled escalators causes thousands of unsuspecting citizens each year to remain…