Boyfriend deemed dead weight

TORONTO—Annex resident Holly Lola came to a realization over the long weekend.  All of her boyfriend’s quirks that used to be so endearing are now just irksome.

“Yeah, I’m not so into him anymore,” confessed Lola.  “Once upon a time, I thought it was cute and thrifty that he had a cinder block and plywood coffee table.  But now it feels like I’m dating an overgrown teenager.”

Lola said these feeling didn’t hit her all at once, but that she slowly began to take stock of the year-old relationship.  “He leaves socks everywhere!  I find them in the couch cushions, under the bed, in the bathroom, behind the tv.  In the past, I would just shake my head and pick them up.  Then one day, I wanted to stuff them down his throat and duct tape his mouth shut.”

At first, Lola tried to remind herself what was good about her mate.  She remembered how charming he was when they met and how he used to bring her coffee in bed.  These memories revived her feelings for a full week.  But then she showed up at his apartment on a Sunday night and found he hadn’t showered since Friday. Her boyfriend was quick to defend himself by saying that over the course of two days he’d actually become Trevor while playing GTA 5.

“Now whenever he talks, I just want to yell SHUT UP! I’m no longer willing to spend weekend afternoons looking at electronics or checking out the used car lot. And when I walk into his place, all I see is the dirty floor and bed sheets that haven’t been changed for weeks.  Then there’s the bathroom.  Let’s just say the guy should be on antibiotics.”  Lola paused to assess a passing man.  “I’ll bet that guy knows how to replace the toilet paper roll.”

When asked how Lola would deal with her developing feelings of hatred and disgust, she shrugged and looked into the distance.  “Well, my birthday is coming up.  I could hang on a bit longer to see if he gets me something good.  Or I could ditch him now and start a new year unencumbered.”

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don’t hold that against me because I’m also Canadian.

Just think of me as the mole.

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