Lawyer’s attorney says client is ‘not that guilty’

Vancouver’s top-earning lawyer, representing people who can’t afford legal counsel, is facing disciplinary measures after a routine audit discovered he had logged a 29 hour day and over 20 hours per day on other occasions.

However, his attorney claims that William Fast—whose overall average was nine hours a day, seven days a week, for an entire year—actually ‘did the work.’

“He’s not that guilty,” Ben Stein told Mooseclean’s. “At worst you could allege that he’s guilty of poor bookkeeping, guilty of bad math maybe, but he’s certainly not guilty of deliberately defrauding the courts or the underprivileged he defended. No, the real culprit here… is time.”

“When has time ever been as simple as hands moving on a clock?” said Reginald Barkley, physicist and expert witness-for-hire, at a recent hearing. “When the dimension of time intersects with the laws of man, there are bound to be unexplained phenomena. In this case, billable hours are a powerful force—temporally expansive and overlapping, with tendrils stretching into both the future and past. Much too immense to be constrained by the artificial construct of a 24 hour day.”

“We all know time is not a constant,” Fast told his accusers. “I’ve consulted legal precedents that took forever to read. Perhaps you’re aware of this time anomaly too, if you’ve spent a week in Moose Jaw one night. I know that you’ve all experienced the feeling of time bending, and if you do, you also know I’m innocent.”

The ruling, and possible sanctions, should be known relatively soon.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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