Canada still contesting with Santa for arctic sovereignty


Photo: Mike Beauregard, Flickr

Despite another year of goodwill from Old St. Nick, Canada is holding steadfast to its claim over the North Pole, previously filed with the UN Commission on the Limits of the Continental Shelf.

“While we do appreciate Santa’s yearly pilgrimage, bestowing millions of gifts to Canadian children, we cannot continue to regard the North Pole as neutral territory,” said Paul Calandra, Parliamentary Secretary to the Prime Minister. “It is part of the ‘True North, Strong and Free’, and its economic and military value must be developed for the future of this nation.”

While the government has no plans to evict the Jolly Old Elf, documents are rumoured to exist that legally establish Canadian jurisdiction over the territory, with provisions for a legally-administered tract for Santa’s use in perpetuity.

In response, former KGB officer and current Russian President Vladimir Putin declared that “Santa Claus is a citizen of the world” and called for the immediate establishment of Russian military presence in the region, to ensure that end.

“While Canada’s agreement selfishly requires Comrade Claus to guarantee priority delivery for Canadian children, our own offer carries no such requirement,” Putin alleged. “Furthermore, our Kremlin military installation would be used solely to protect Santa from terrorist threats and guarantee equal treatment for all the world’s children.”

Meanwhile, the United States, which has yet to ratify the maritime treaty and is not entitled to submit a scientific claim to the UN commission, expressed amusement at the dispute.

“We sincerely love our Canadian neighbors and wholeheartedly support their submission to the UN commission,” said Charles Gallegos, an international law expert and former adviser to the Bush administration. “As ‘America’s Hat’ any acquisition by Canada is a de facto presence for our government.”

When asked how Denmark’s arctic claims factored into the equation, Mr. Gallegos collapsed in a fit of laughter and required transport by emergency services for treatment at an area hospital.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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