Above: Joe Fontana, Mayor of London

TORONTO—”Everything is going fine,” Rob Ford has said. “I’m keeping taxes low. I’ve saved a billion dollars. I’ve been keeping crack off Toronto streets nearly single-handedly. Things are great.”

But are they? To find out, Mooseclean’s polled Mayors across Canada for their take on the Ford fiasco.

“People tend to exaggerate. It makes for a good headline,” said Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz. “I try to host a little staff Christmas party at my restaurant and I’m sued for conflict of interest by the proprietor of a greasy spoon. I nearly choke on a piece of gum and I’m charged with littering the second it hits the ground. The maggots are everywhere, it seems. I wish they’d stop chewing on people like Rob. He’s saved what? A billion dollars for Toronto? Some gratitude.”

“I fell asleep on the SkyTrain once,” said Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson. “The next thing I know, the transit rent-a-cops are fining me $173 for travelling two zones on a one-zone fare. I tried to reason with them; they wouldn’t listen.  So, do I blame Rob for refusing to address the same tired questions from the same tired reporters? No. I paid my dues, unfair as they were, and he’s paying his. The man’s saved like, a billion dollars. What more does he owe?”

“As someone who is also being tried unfairly by the court of public opinion, I can understand what’s Rob’s going through,” said Joe Fontana, Mayor of London, Ontario. “But his record speaks for itself. He’s put an end to the gravy train at city hall and he’s snorting, smoking and shooting up everyday to deplete local drug supplies to make Toronto a safer place to live. Plus, he’s saved a billion dollars or something. Sounds like everything’s fine to me.”

In other news, Montana’s hearing into fraud and forgery charges has been scheduled for the end of October.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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