with illustration by finklebottom
TORONTO—In an unprecedented turn of events today regarding the alleged Rob Ford crack video, the Toronto Mayor revealed it’s all true, stating that he was just doing his civic duty in keeping dangerous drugs off the street by smoking all of them.
“It’s all part of my anti-drug campaign that’s been going on for years,” Ford explains, “even before I was Mayor, I got a big head start on the program. What better way to keep crack cocaine out of the hands of drug addicts and children than smoking all of it until there’s no more left?”
Citizens are hailing Ford as a hero now, but he is quick to defer that title. “The Somalian drug lords are the real heroes here. Without them I’d be stone cold sober and the streets of Toronto would be rampant with crime and anarchy.”
The Mayor’s body has become a safe-haven dumping ground for hard drugs entering Toronto, and in light of his brave sacrifice we would like to take this opportunity to apologize to Rob Ford for judging his past actions, as he has clearly now changed the face of Toronto for the better.