Former ISS commander Chris Hadfield witnesses lights turning into sound

Renowned Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield has been accused of consuming more than his share of mind-altering drugs aboard the International Space Station [ISS].

Between December 2012 and May 2013, Hadfield commanded Expedition 35. Psychoactive substances were accounted for during the inventory of Expedition 34, but had gone missing before Expedition 36 had arrived.

Speaking under the assumption of anonymity, flight engineer Mikhail Tyurin of the Russian Federal Space Agency told Mooseclean’s that Hadfield dropped an entire sheet of acid and ate two ounces of magic mushrooms.

The psychedelics were supposed to be for everybody, Tyurin said. And while there are no laws against drugs in space, finding a dealer in orbit is nearly impossible.

Hadfield denies having any knowledge of the drugs. However, in emails sent to his wife, which Mooseclean’s obtained after hacking her account, the ISS commander spoke about his trips in vivid detail.

“Trying to grab stuff with the Canadarm right now makes me feel like a dog trying to run on ice,” reads one passage. “I have an overwhelming urge to stop writing this email as I’m unsure if any of this is even real.”

If I stare and focus hard enough I think that I can zero in on our house. But the longer I look at this planet, I become more confused – wondering if it’s still alive or not; one thing’s for sure, it’s more than a machine.”

In a reply from his wife, Hadfield was advised to spend his time more productively, and she suggested that he record a song.

“My moustache hair feels like sandpaper mixed with our front lawn,” he replied.

While floating around and practicing Space Odyssey, the snitch Tyurin asked why Hadfield wanted to cover David Bowie. Hadfield replied, “Don’t you know what Ziggy Stardust is?”

Though Hadfield still denies allegations, he has committed to replenishing the stash next time he goes to space.

By Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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