Employer rejects resume laced with drug references

LOCAL—Citing several obvious references to illegal street drugs, A Cut Above butcher shop owner Alan Martin chose not to hire applicant Jeff Bothwell as a prep assistant.

“The first thing I noticed, even before his name, was how only the numbers “420” were bolded on his phone number,” Martin told Bothwell’s temp agency. “And the number zero makes the phone number too long — it’s like he just added an extra digit at the end.”

Upon handing the hard copy of his resume and application to Martin, Bothwell, wearing a tie-dye t-shirt and bandana of a Jamaican flag, assured the prospective employer that he always keeps a positive attitude, before winking and tapping his nose.

Though the businesses on his employment history have not been heard of by Martin, nor did they show up a Google search, Bothwell’s chances of advancing to the interview process were further reduced through his description of responsibilities at the fictitious workplaces.

“Meet new ppl (sic) and roll thu (sic) town when customers need bakery stuff,” the resume describes. “Put shroomies on the menu,” was an example of forward thinking Bothwell displayed during his time at a bakery he was previously employed; a bakery which neither Martin nor Bothwell believe to be real.

“And I’m pretty sure I once bought weed off one of his references too,” Martin said, before confirming his suspicious by checking his cell phone.

Bothwell considers his application strategy to be an effective method of “weeding out square” employers, but admits to experiencing “tons” of unsuccessful attempts at minimum wage openings throughout the city and its surroundings.

“I’ve been fired from every job since high school for either missing shifts or showing up half in the bag,” he said, before admitting he’s only held two part-time jobs in his 26 years of life. “I figure this way, employers won’t be mad when they find out I know how to have fun,” said the applicant with no fixed address.

While Martin sympathized for the hopeless applicant, he reminded Bothwell’s employment agency that there is “a standard of quality at A Cut Above,” and explained that if they wish to refer drug addicts to his workplace in the future, only females will be considered.

Dan Walton

Dan Walton

Between Draxel’s apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day.
When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can’t even think about drinking it because I don’t have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who’s gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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