TORONTO—Beseiged by a now disloyal city council and a petition from 100,000 Torontonians demanding his resignation, Mayor-for-the-Meantime Rob Ford has assembled a team of experts to guide him through these trying times. While Ford is avoiding unnecessary contact with the bottom feeders of the media maggots this week, he was more than happy to send the panelists in his place to talk to Mooseclean’s.

“You can’t process Rob with a normal brain. He’s a total bitchin’ rock star from Mars,” Charlie Sheen declared. “The only thing he’s addicted to right now is winning. And I know winners!”

Sheen then slapped fellow adviser Lindsay Lohan on the buttocks. Lohan, who Sheen previously mentored to better handle her now long-resolved personal problems, was effusive in her admiration for the Mayor.

“I think everyone looks for that role where it’s a stretch, and you can be kind of a bit edgier and push the envelope a little bit,” Lohan mused. “I think Rob’s really found that with his work this year starring as the Mayor of Toronto. He’s like, my favorite actor, and I’ve learned so much from watching his improv. I love you, Rob!”

Veteran actor turned personal development expert Gary Busey also came to Ford’s defence.

“You know what ‘DRUNK’ stands for? It stands for ‘Dynamic Realization Undoing Normal Knowledge’.” Busey suggested. “And do you know what ‘STUPOR’ stands for? ‘Psychic Transformation Underlying Perverted Orgy Rituals’.”

Mooseclean’s interrupted him at this point to offer a small correction.

“Fine. So I can’t spell,” Busey continued. “Point is: I know what he’s done looks bad, but it’s for a greater good. These so-called illegal substances and immoral experiences are a gateway to a higher consciousness. People are afraid of Rob because they’re scared of the underlying wisdom of his inebriated truth gathering expeditions.”

Lastly, acting uncharacteristically demure and waiting behind the others was Paula Deen who offered this:

“I’ve shared my personal mantra with Rob, and I’ve made him repeat it over and over again,” she said. “‘I is what I is, and I’m not changing.'”

with files from amiableCDN and Kevin Phillips

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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