Photo credit: Andreas Lubitz

After shooting down theories of terrorism, French and German authorities now say that Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz was trying to accumulate points to earn a higher standing within the Church of Satan.

“We’re offering a number of current promotions to incentivize the conventional achievement of Satanic acts in society, in line with our Master Anton LaVey’s design for our Church,” said Peter H. Gilmore, Satanic high priest. “Mr. Lubitz expressed interest in participating in both our ‘Early Release on Life’ and ‘Bring a Friend’ offers.”

Under the first program, Satanists receive 12,500 points for each person they relieve from mortality, whether such persons are good or bad, friend or stranger. The ‘Bring a Friend’ promotion is limited to persons of the Satanist’s personal acquaintance. Bonus points apply for interrupting the existence of individuals in both categories if they are evil and would have been ordinarily going to Hell eventually anyway. A further multiplier is applied if the Satanist is also relieved of their earthly bonds.

“Mr. Lubitz’s achievement is quite remarkable,” Gilmore added. “The highest airliner-related payout we’ve given since Inex-Adria Aviopromet Flight 1308 in 1981.”

Points are redeemable after death only, at Hell’s Canteen, on selected merchandise such as novelty pitchforks, horn extensions, and SPF 100K sunblock.

UPDATE: Germanwings 9525 co-pilot crashed plane in passive-aggressive hissy-fit

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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