Germanwings 9525 co-pilot crashed plane in passive-aggressive hissy-fit, authorities say


Photo credit: Andreas Lubitz

After previously suggesting that Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz had crashed Flight 9525 in order to earn a higher standing within the Church of Satan, French and German authorities now say that it was intended as revenge on the Captain, Patrick Sondenheimer.

According to data extracted from the mangled voice recorder, Lubitz, who was initially courteous to Sondenheimer during the first part of the flight, became “curt” when the Captain began lecturing him mid-flight on the planned landing.

“It is difficult to guess what was going through Mr. Lubitiz’s brain during that discussion, but clearly the fuselage and the tail section of the Airbus A320 went through it not long afterward! Ha ha! God, I’m funny. You gonna print that, right?” said an entirely unhelpful person, whose Twitter bio claimed he was an expert on air disasters.

“It’s entirely possible that Mr. Lubitiz felt patronized by the mid-flight exchange,” said a rather more helpful person we found watching planes from the airport parking lot. “While the Captain’s tone was not condescending, Mr. Lubitz’s self-esteem problems may have made him feel diminished. Crashing a plane was certainly an effective—albeit bat-crazy—way of punishing him.”

Other verified experts in the field of commercial air travel agreed that several more rational, conventional conflict-resolution approaches could have achieved a satisfactory elimination of any lingering tensions between the flight crew, without the need to slam headlong into a mountainside at 700 kilometers per hour.

“I’d have mixed him a drink. One part malt vinegar mixed with five parts soda water on ice looks just like Pepsi,” suggested flight attendant Sandra Schilling, “and if you swap the vinegar for pickle juice, you can pass it off as Mountain Dew.”

“Sign people up for as many unwanted and potentially embarrassing services as you can think of,” offered Captain Melvin Padilla. “Give their name, address, email and cell number to the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed people, Valtrex, The Hair Club for Men, adult diaper services, Miracle Ear, Bedwetting Advice, Funeral and Estate planning. . . not that I do any of this…or ever have.”

“Newspaper classifieds are still surprisingly effective,” said a third person who declined to be named. “I put my ex-husband’s address in the paper as the location of a gay 24-hour sensual massage service offering a half-price sale. He didn’t sleep for a week . . . which was a bit of a shame for the passengers on that flight he captained. Hmmm . . . you know what? Don’t print this one in your article.”

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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