TORONTO—Mooseclean’s pollsters are cavorting wildly in the lobby today, which is to say that pleasant grins are being exchanged between staff normally too reserved to make eye contact.  Why?

We are proud say that our in-house polling geeks released survey results revealing the boringness of Ottawa just prior to an awards ceremony in Toronto that formally gave that distinction to the city.  Mooseclean’s had no knowledge of this impending award, we swear, but we do admit that for those living in Ottawa the “news” is the worst kept secret in town.

A committee of experts awarded Ottawa a shiny plaque: much more exciting to behold than the city it was given to. At press time there was no word as to whether the majority of the Toronto panel of “experts” were former Ottawa residents, or who appeared at the ceremony to accept the award on behalf on the city of Ottawa.  We hope it was Jim Watson.  Nothing epitomizes the vanilla pablum flavour of our little village1 than our boy J-Wat.  As Gloucester resident Robert Parsons stated earlier this week:

“Jim’s a stand up guy, I think, and it’s guys like him who really cement this image Ottawa has as a sleepy, boring, conservative town… Youth are becoming disconnected with politics because politicians are dull. Frankly, a wife-beating, gay-bashing, cyclist-hating crack fiend screaming from the helm2 is just the thing we need to shake us out of our complacency.”

Celebrate, Ottawa, in only the way you can: wearing a designer outfit and nursing an overpriced drink in an exclusive and upscale establishment, where absolutely no-one is being loud, obnoxious or inappropriate.

And celebrate while you can…

Sadly, chances of a repeat next year are slim. O-town scandals involving Pamela Wallin, Mike Duffy, Nigel Wright and Stephen Harper are conspiring to ruin our hard-earned reputation. Arrogant and flippant attitudes from high flyers drunk with their own power, illegal and immortal acts, flipflopping support and disagreement, high profile resignation and dismissals… collectively, it’s a death knell sounding the end to what we were, just as it had become a cherished—and awarded—distinction.

So drink Ottawa.  Drink to remember, then forget.

But make it a round of Shirley Temples… for if this truly is the end of days, we will cling to our boringness to the last.

1 – Yes, Mooseclean’s is published in the Nation’s capital.
2 – Like another, un-named Canadian city is alleged3 TO have.
3 – We can neither confirm4 nor deny the allegations.
4 – If you can confirm them, please contact us.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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