A short time ago, in a municipality not far away, Cora Pell told us of a day long remembered . . . the time she nearly succumbed to the Dark Side.

“He was all cool when I met him in the Tos Queenwest Cantina,” she recalled. “He told me the Force was strong in me and that if I came back to his hut he’d show me its secret mysteries. But no sooner had he slammed the hovel door than he started up with all this kinky Sith shit. I tried to run.”

After force-choking her to the wall, Darth Jian asked her how she felt about riding both ends of his double-ended lightsabre. When she flatly refused, the Jedi mind tricks began, but Pell fought back.

“Impressive. Most impressive,” Jian countered. “You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

Pell fired again, this time with a scathing review of Bargainville, the 1994 debut album by Moxy Früvous. His ego gravely wounded, Darth Jian fell to his knees, giving Pell just the time she needed to escape.

“He’s mysterious and charismatic from a distance, but close up, under that shiny helmet of dark hair—he’s seriously fucked up,” Pell concluded.

Photo: Amanda Coolidge, flickr.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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