Photo: Colleen Morgan, flickr.

TORONTO—With the results of the election now confirmed, John Lewandowski nervously plays with his crack pipe.

“My bookie said my chances were good, I should have gone for it. Why didn’t I? That guy knows the odds.”

Lewandowski, a convicted offender with a long history of battery and possession, had considered a run in Trinity-Spadina but opted instead to continue to spend his free time just being himself: getting drunk and stoned, frequenting local massage parlours, and throwing spare change at prostitutes from his car window.

“I thought it was a choice—either or,” he laments. “I mean, I didn’t realize I could do both and still be taken seriously as a candidate.”

With four years to contemplate another run while drawing a steady paycheck from his father’s business, Lewandowski tries to remain upbeat about missing his chance this year.

“At least I won’t have to pretend I care about what the fags think.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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