LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA—Despite their obsession with remaining steadfastly within the public eye, the Kardashians have been remarkably evasive when confronted with rumours that the family originates from impoverished ancestry.
Now, after an exhaustive search spanning over ten years and many thousands of miles, cultural archaeologists have discovered what they believe to be the Kardashian family tree. It was spotted in Shadow Hills, a semi-rural neighborhood of LA, by a pedestrian volunteer.
“We’d been relying on Google Maps in recent years to expand our search,” arboriculturist Kathy Lay explained, “but the orientation of the specimen was such that only a sidewalk view would readily see the defining characteristics.”
Shortly after this story broke, a second research team in Atlanta reported the discovery of the Kanye West tree, in the North Georgia mountains.
Sadly, in a subsequent update, it was reported that the tree had fallen victim either to illegal logging or the vengeance of undeterrably rabid Taylor Swift fans.
Now, Kanye’s severed wood is the object of a custody battle between the Georgia Department of Natural Resources, Universal Music group, and Kanye’s own label GOOD Records.
While the timber has certainly sprouted its last, it remains visually provocative. Each party in the lawsuit announced intentions to permanently erect it in a place of prominence, where it will undoubtedly attract the gaze of curious onlookers for years to come.