BRISBANE, Australia—New, groundbreaking research out of the University of Queensland has affirmed what only a few have ever suspected: bigger ‘roos can jump farther than smaller ‘roos and they also have a theory to explain why.

“Longer feet, bigger legs, a more significant volume of musculature, and longer tendons. It all adds up to enhanced leaping power.” say M.B. Bennett and G.C. Taylor, published in the journal Nature.

“I love doing university research,” Melvyn Bennett told Mooseclean’s. “It’s truly a dream job; being paid to dream up experimental designs to answer the questions that have baffled humankind since the dark ages. The implications of these findings are limitless. I truly feel like we’re making a difference here.”

Asked to elaborate on the future applicability of the research, Bennett was stumped.

“Oh…well, uh, human tests? Pro basketball research, maybe?” he said. “Reporters have actually never asked me that before because ‘I truly feel like we’re making a difference here.’ is such a positive, cheery sentence with which to end an article.”

Sorry. Our bad.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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