MONTREAL—Colin Clark, a 42 year old husband and father of three recently diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive English Speaking Disorder (OCESD), was rushed to the Montreal General Hospital suffering multiple injuries to his head, arm and ribcage.  The incident occurred late in the night when a group of Parti Québécois supporters assaulted him for not using the national language of Quebec while ordering his drink at a local pub downtown. He is currently said to be in stable condition, though he continues to be monitored for internal bleeding and psychological damage.

Colin reportedly developed this rare and currently untreatable medical condition when he immigrated to Canada. At the time, being unaware of the inexplicably poor standards of both English and French in the country, he took language proficiency tests in both official languages of Canada.  Despite scoring 62% lower in English than in French, his initial application in French was refused as immigration officials expressed doubts over his ability to “blend in”. When he submitted the same application in English, he was gladly accepted for scoring only 12% more than the Canadian average in the same language test.

The disorder worsened when he was hired as a bilingual interpreter for Amdocs, a leading multinational company in Montreal where he was required to translate English conversations to French. The job was challenging in that he was required to say the simplest English sentences in mind-numbingly dumb and borderline sexually harassing  French to make them comprehensible to the francophone staff. He would often come home at night and yell at himself for hours in the mirror, apologizing to his mouth for what he made come out of it.

“It was a brutal sight, and we knew he needed help”, said his inconsolable wife in the waiting area in the hospital.

Régee de l’assurance maladie du Québec (Quebec’s Department of Health) issued a hurried statement earlier today making it clear that OCESD is not covered under the provincial health plan.

“We do not identify, support or condone any form of discrimination as part of our organization’s code of ethics, but OCESD puts our perpetual goal of preservation of French language and French diseases at risk. As a result, we’ll continue to provide the best health care to Colin, but he’ll be expected to pay for the costs incurred in his treatment.”

When it was pointed out that Canada has universal health care laws, the department spokesman stated that it was a “Canadian” law and holds no enforceable ground in Quebec.

In Ottawa, neither the ruling nor opposition parties have commented on the issue. When a journalist asked Harper for his views on the matter, he pulled out his phone fervently sending bbm messages to Obama asking for direction, then directed the journalist to John Baird, Minister of Foreign Affairs, for Canada’s official response to incidents on foreign soil.  Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau was not available for comment, though his wife Sophie recommended we check with local drug peddlers for his whereabouts.

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