Fairmont Hotels and Resorts has announced the construction of a brand-new hospitality and outdoor-activity resort which will encompass southern property in the territories of Nunavut and Northwest Territories, as well as the top corners of Manitoba and Saskatchewan.

Slated to open by the spring of the year after next, the $62-million resort will feature attractions which can abide by the loosest regulations among four separate jurisdictions. Venues which cater to alcohol consumption will be located in Manitoba, where the drinking age is 18. The registration office is situated in Saskatchewan where taxes are lowest. Casinos will be placed in Nunavut where even Russian Roulette is legal, and the brothel will be in the Northwest Territories where the prostitution business is subsidized.

Fairmont CEO, William Fatt, told Mooseclean’s that the project’s approval is a win for all Canadians, as “Las Vegas won’t have nothing on us,” he said.

He said that the idea was prompted by his being banned from Las Vegas. While no legal issues prevent Mr. Fatt from entering the Nevada city, he said that insurmountable debts with “bullcrap” interest rates have been accumulated at several casinos under his name.

“But let’s see who has the last laugh,” he challenged.

Though many of the technical aspects still need to be ironed out, Mr. Fatt expects the operation to be an ongoing game of cat-and-mouse, where facilities will relocate depending on the tightening and loosening of regulations in each particular region.

“Manitoba has a real stick up their ass when it comes to gambling, but they have no problem letting high school students buy booze,” he said. “Saskatchewan may be the most prejudiced against pot-growers in Canada, but they’ll let you do just about anything with a gun.”

However, the most alluring feature, he said, will be the chance for guests to set foot on four regions of Canada that would otherwise be completely undesirable to visit.

Investors are “lined up out the door,” Mr. Fatt claimed, adding that the ground-breaking ceremony is expected to take place before May.

He said that to minimize costs, the daycare will be located in the Northwest Territories, where childcare laws “practically don’t exist,” so that youngsters can make use of playground equipment that has been prohibited in most regions of Canada, “This equipment will be more fun than the stationary teeter-totters they have to play on in Quebec.”

Until roads are built, travelling to the Fairmont Four-Corners Resort will require aerial transportation. Flights will arrive at an on-site airport which will appropriately, be built in Manitoba where student pilots are permitted to fly aircraft solo and the regulatory length for a runway is just 750 metres.

“Between all the attractions offered throughout the resort, the Four-Corners will be essentially lawless.”

Early bird booking is now underway. To take advantage of discounted rates, seek out Fairmont’s offshore booking office located east of Manitoba and Nunavut in the middle of Hudson Bay.

By Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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