Looters and vandals anxious for arrival of more bad news so rioting can resume


Photo: Charles de Jesus (flickr) CC-BY-2.0

As streets were cleaned and businesses re-built yesterday in the wake of the latest bout of public destruction of property and robbery downtown, thugs, thieves and other malcontents expressed their longing for a continuation of festivities.

“My liquor cabinet will be empty soon,” Brittany Meyerson observed. “I hope that another legally-innocent person dies soon—preferably while in police custody and under suspicious circumstances. I’m really short of cash right now.”

Similar wishes of want were echoed citywide.

“I was never any good at baseball, but I really, really love bashing the shit out of plate glass,” confessed Alberto Seifert. “And don’t give me that sucky safety glass shit that breaks into little pieces, neither. I want to see big fucking shards crashing to the ground.”

But not all opportunists were quite so self-centered.

“I believe that in order to effect lasting and meaningful cultural change, the right message must be sent to society at large by a mass of individuals working in concert,” suggested sociology major Dallas Ruggiero. “And I think that stomping on the roof of a car until it looks like an empty Koi pond, then setting that fucker on fire and roasting weenies and marshmallows over the flames sends a powerful message indeed. Power to the people!”

Stay tuned to local news outlets for ongoing coverage of this story.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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