TORONTO—The Toronto Maple Leafs today announced that Mike Babcock will become the 30th Head Coach in team history.

“Mike will take this team where it hasn’t been since 1967—the fairway,” proclaimed MLSE president Tim Leiweke.

Babcock, the former coach of the Detroit Red Wings, revealed that he is “relieved to go to a team that isn’t so worried about actually winning hockey games.”

The team was able to afford the mammoth 8-year, $50-million contract after the League finally denied their query of: “Why can’t we just BUY a Stanley Cup?”

The move is sure to ease the angst of Leafs fans that saw their team miss out on the chance to draft Connor McDavid, who is one of the OHL’s best caddies.

At press time, many Leafs fans were rushing to delete their last month of Facebook proclamations.

Photo: By Holland_Zetterberg_Babcock.jpg: Tom Gromak derivative work: Connormah [CC BY-SA 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

By Matt Colella

Canadian comedy writer / comedian canady writer. Hit me up at or 9055188685. Check out my Podcast "What You Sayin?", on iTunes. Check out my sketch comedy group, The Happy Elevator: Youtube:

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