Missouri to resurrect gas chambers with recycled vehicle emissions

Missouri state attorney general Chris Koster has a problem.

“Simply put, the state is running out of lethal-injection drugs,” he said. “They’re still available for a price, but it’s one we can no longer afford.”
Missouri state attorney general Chris Koster has a problem.

“Simply put, the state is running out of lethal-injection drugs,” he said. “They’re still available for a price, but it’s one we can no longer afford.”

A think tank put to work on the problem began identifying potential solutions in light of other similarly pressing state demands like pollution, until the answer became obvious.

“The US has a nearly inexhaustible supply of exhaust,” the report observed. “Why not use carbon monoxide?”

The extraordinary proposal has found backers.

“I think it’s a natural extension to our evolution,” said Mason Jacobs of the Missouri Historical Society. “We hung folks when trees were plentiful and rope was cheap. Now we’ve got all this smog from traffic. It makes sense.”

Others took the idea even further.

“We hear a lot of talk about the rights of victims families, the power of impact statements, the need for atonement and restitution… At last I think we have a real opportunity get beyond the empty platitudes and to make some real good,” said Ella Demeter, death penalty advocate. “Do you really want to help these families to heal? Tell them they can hook up the tailpipe of their mini-van to a porthole straight into the gas chamber, then let them floor the pedal until the bastard is dead.”

Koster hopes to see widespread acceptance before the state’s current drug supply reaches its expiry date in 18 months, but seemed intent on the move, characterizing it as “the last option we have to enforce Missouri law”.

Mooseclean’s asked Greenpeace to weigh in with their opinion, but at press time they hadn’t yet reached a consensus on eco-friendly executions.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

Leave a Reply