OTTAWA — Are you ready to party? No, seriously! Ottawa has appointed Mathieu Grondin as its first-ever Nightlife Commissioner. Grondin, known for his previous exploits in turning Montreal into a nocturnal haven, is now tasked with the Herculean challenge of injecting some life into the capital’s famously dull after-dark scene.

Grondin’s resume boasts of leading MTL 24/24, a non-profit dedicated to making Montreal’s nights as lively as its days, and organizing annual forums on nighttime governance. But his latest gig may be his toughest yet: convincing Ottawa’s sleepy citizens that nightlife isn’t just something they see in movies. As he steps into his new role, calls to Grondin’s mobile phone serenade him with “I Love the Nightlife” by Alicia Bridges, an anthem that may soon become Ottawa’s unofficial theme song if he succeeds.

“I’m here to make sure that Ottawa isn’t just a place where fun goes to die,” Grondin proclaimed at his inauguration. “We’re going to turn this city into a place where, when the sun sets, the real excitement begins.” His ambitious plans include creating a Nightlife Ambassador Council to facilitate communication between city officials, nightlife businesses, and residents—assuming anyone is still awake to attend the meetings.

Mayor Mark Sutcliffe, with the enthusiasm of a man who’s just discovered what a nightclub is, hailed the appointment. “Ottawa’s nightlife economy is poised for a revolution,” he declared. “With Mathieu’s leadership, we’re confident that Ottawa will no longer be the butt of jokes about boring capitals.”

Critics, however, remain skeptical. “Ottawa’s nightlife? Isn’t that just a fancy way of saying ‘bedtime’?” quipped local resident Karen McDougal. Yet, with an estimated $1.5 billion spent annually on nightlife activities (presumably on Netflix, takeout, and Ashley Madison subscriptions), the potential for a more vibrant scene is there—if anyone can stay up long enough to enjoy it.

Grondin faces an uphill battle, but his optimism is infectious. “We have the bones of a great nightlife city,” he said, optimistically overlooking the metaphorical skeletons of failed nightclubs past. “Now it’s time to flesh it out.”

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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