Photo: Steven Depolo (flickr).
OTTAWA—In a blunder sure to result in panic and countless deaths, April 25 has been designated both National Peanut Day and Anaphylactic Awareness Day.
“This could be very bad,” said Peanut Day Parade organizer Bill Sheldon. “Our parade route travels west along Thames and then north on Meath.”
“And our annual gathering,” continued Anne Bremnan, president of Anaphylaxis Awareness Ottawa, “is at the Travelodge Conference Facility north and east of the parade route. We will effectively be penned in by peanut toxins.”
Both parties are concerned that the parade’s tradition of throwing an array of peanut-containing treats could result in pandemonium. An emergency task force armed with adrenaline and defibrillators will be on hand to reassure those allergic to the legume.
“It’ll be like Armageddon,” said concerned parent Ivy Short. “Peanuts raining down on our allergic children like hell fire! These peanut peddlers are courting disaster.”
Although both sides are concerned, neither is willing to cancel events.
“I wait all year for the chance to don my Mr. Peanut costume, complete with monocle, and shower the peanut-tolerant children of Ottawa with candy,” said peanut enthusiast Amedeo Omici. “This is my day and I won’t let the freaks of nature who can’t eat peanut butter ruin it.”
In the past, the Anaphylaxis Awareness gathering has included a one kilometer fun run. But the combination of heavy breathing and airborne peanut particles makes Bremnan wary. “I don’t know whether I’m willing to take that chance, even with EpiPen as a sponsor.”