Pizza lunch comes with pink slips

HALIFAX—Safety Boots employees were treated to a free pizza lunch Tuesday at noon.  But what they didn’t bargain for was the bitter dessert.

“We got an email last week, inviting us for lunch,” explained newly redundant employee Tim Weathers.  “We all thought, this is great!  Who doesn’t like pizza?  Especially when it’s free.  But after we’d all had a couple slices, they closed the doors and the head of our department walked to the front of the room in a suit and tie.  Jim always wears hipster t-shirts, so we knew something was up.”

Along with the pepperoni and mushrooms, the entire guest list was served a notice of dismissal.

“As soon as fancy Jim started talking, I got nervous,” said former call center representative Sharon Tess.  “Then I noticed the HR people standing at the back of the room. I could still taste pizza in my mouth when it happened.”

James Hepp, Head of Customer Relations at Safety Boots Inc., said it was a difficult day for his team. “We have three vegetarians, two celiacs and four people who are lactose intolerant.  Do you know how hard it was to place a food order?  But we put in the effort because we thought it would make the cuts easier.  Most people are too lethargic after gorging on pizza to start swinging fists.”

In all, 27 jobs were lost.  Hepp said the move was part of a planned company expansion. “Safety Boots is about to add six stores on the west coast, so we had to slash expenses somewhere.  You know what they say: you can’t make money unless you take money away from people to make more money.”

Josh Mantel said his time with the corporation feels tarnished.  “I used to like pizza.  Now it just makes me want to cry.  I heard they gave the leftovers to our rivals in payroll.”

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don’t hold that against me because I’m also Canadian.

Just think of me as the mole.

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