Rob Ford approves release of non-existent video

Photo: West Annex News, flickr.

TORONTO—Having recanted his earlier assertion that Toronto’s Police Chief did not exist, Mayor-for-the-meantime Rob Ford is now apologizing, hat in hand.

“I’ve made some mistakes,” he said, “the first of which is not apologizing for whatever it is that I did that you thought was wrong. Whatever that was—whichever part of whatever thing it is that you think that I did—I’m sorry it made you upset and I accept full responsibility for that.”

Without answering questions, the Mayor pressed on: “Second, I want to call upon Police Chief Bill Blair—who I now freely admit is a real person—to release the video—which I now admit, actually exists. It’s time to see what it really shows, though I am afraid I already know.”

Ignoring flagrant waves and hopping reporters, Ford continued: “It is my secret shame that I have been smoking “roll your own” cigarettes for some time now. I know they are crude looking—almost joint-like—but I assure you, they are leaves from my own backyard. I rake them in the fall then stockpile them in my basement…and my mom’s basement. I also have a glass pipe I bought at a local shop because it was cheap and I can’t whittle worth spit. All I can say is that my personal life, like my Mayoral role, has always been about saving a buck.”

Despondent, the Mayor also admitted to occasionally stealing leaves from his neighbours’ yards, and from City Hall. “I’m sorry,” he wheezed. “Cheap is like religion to me.”

Staring blindly into the sky, seemingly oblivious to the violent shouting of his name, he added: “That said, I wish to save the City of Toronto further embarrassment by announcing that I am hereby resigning from my life as I’ve known it. You deserve better.”

After a dramatic pause, he continued.

“From now, it’s all behind closed doors. I’ll be enjoying my cheap cigarettes from the comfort of my taxpayer-mandated chauffeured Town Car and only drinking my homemade hooch in my private den, where I can crawl to the can or my bed as necessary.”

Concluding, the Mayor asked the media, for the sake of his children, not to show up at his house anymore.

“If you want to come over for a late night meeting at my office, call me and we’ll set something up,” he said. “Drinks are on me. If you’ve never tasted my turnip and parsnip vodka, you haven’t lived.”

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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