TORONTO—Toronto Mayor Rob Ford amended his list of denials today to include the non-existence of Toronto’s Chief of Police.

“As for the allegations that Bill Blair allegedly has a video that allegedly shows someone that allegedly looks like me, allegedly smoking something that is alleged to be crack cocaine… well, they’re just allegations,” Ford said. “There is no Bill Blair and I cannot comment on a person that I have never seen, or does not exist.”

Ford affirmed that he is not an addict and does not smoke crack cocaine, admitting only that he enjoys wandering dangerous neighbourhoods at strange hours and having his picture taken meeting random street people.

Defending his behaviour he added, “I’m a risk taker. A people person. And how is what I do any different from what you and your kids do on Halloween?”

Apparently, Ford rebuffed reporters who appeared at his house posing as Halloween Trick or Treaters this year. In today’s press conference, media alleged that he had filled reporters’ treat bags with maggots before threatening to call the police.

When asked, “Who did you call, mayor? Who runs the police department?”, Ford mumbled something unintelligible and strode out of the room.

with reporting from Jonathan Kay

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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