Rob Ford’s dog resigns citing violence, substance abuse, infidelity


TORONTO—The chips just keep falling for Toronto’s beleaguered mayor: nacho chips, casino chips, and now animal microchips.

Word came late last night that Ford’s beloved mongrel Dorf had run away from home, but in a city as small as Toronto on scandal watch, she didn’t get far. Her desertion comes on the heels of a number of high profile firings and resignations this week as even Ford’s loyal supporters are urging him to ‘get help.’ Reporters were on scene to get Dorf’s parting words.

“What can I say? It wasn’t all bad, me and him,” Dorf remarked. “In better times the beer flowed freely into my dish and my head rested in many an adoring lap. Oh there were men. And so many women. I didn’t care which. There were tummy rubs galore and more interesting shows from the foot of his bed than most pets will ever see in 9 lives… but I think we’ve finally reached the end.”

“I’m not the puppy I used to be,” she continued. “I can`t snort with him like I used to, the thrown cleats and footballs have started to hurt more, and I can’t spend any more nights sleeping under the porch when Rob is in ‘one of his moods.’ And lately I’ve seen him looking at other dogs. After all I’ve given him. I had to leave. I just couldn’t stick by his side anymore. Any of them. They’ve gotten too large, and I’ve gotten too old.”

Asked where she was headed to next, Dorf could not say.

“It’s true I’ve grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle, but I could do without the orgies of excess provided I had a few creature comforts.” She paused, and placed a hind leg behind a drooping ear to scratch.

“Anyone know if Jim Watson likes dogs?”

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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