Courtney Love is ‘the voice of reason’ in Amanda Bynes vagina slapping brouhaha

Photo by from National Post.

NEW YORK / THE TWITTERSPHERE—It’s a tough job being Amanda Bynes these days.  Once the darling of Nickelodeon, she went on to make a number of forgettable movies, fail miserably as a fashion designer, abruptly retire from acting, then spontaneously unretire… only to be ignored by the casting directors of more forgettable Hollywood projects.  This prompted her to retire from acting again before announcing that she was going to start a new career — as a fashion designer.

As Mooseclean’s more astute readers will certainly understand, fashion design requires many, many hours of tireless work on Twitter gabbing about exercise, diet, cosmetics and plastic surgery, while simultaneously slagging equally flaky (but more successful) industry peers.  Also: many, many hours of directed effort smoking from a bong, because inspiration has to come from somewhere.

During a recent emotional low point where her Twitter follower count dropped below 1.3 million and Drake and Rihanna were both ignoring her, Bynes’ bong became nearly empty.  Given her frame of mind, she did the sensible thing under the circumstances and recycled it — by pitching it out the window of her 36th floor apartment and down to the waiting arms of transient recyclers and collectors sleeping below on West 47th Street.  But, her low mood continued.  Fortunately, police were on hand, having been alerted by an anonymous report of “strange smoke” emanating from her apartment.

After a daring rescue from the cloudy domicile, Bynes was taken to Roosevelt Hospital for evaluation where an attending physician proclaimed “She haz a sad.” New York’s Finest then transferred her directly to central booking, where she remained for her own protection.

While having a sad is not an offense in New York, there were some lingering questions about the source of the heavy smoke in her suite. Additionally, launching the unmanned bong was determined to be a threat to public safety.  Formally, Bynes was charged with reckless endangerment, possession of wacko tobacco, and operating a private aircraft without a license. In return, she alleged that one of the officers inappropriately slapped her va-jay-jay. She was released on her own recognizance and will have to re-appear in court on July 9.

For solace, Bynes then reached out to the only people that mattered.  No, not her family.  Not her friends.  Not legal counsel.

Yes, Twitter.

And someone reached back!

Former heroin addict and alleged musician Courtney Love offered these sage words of wisdom:

For insight on the repercussions of  this highly unusual and unprecedented behaviour and its cataclysmic potential for imbalancing the Universe, we reached out to The Vatican for comment:

“Courtney said that?  For everyone’s sake I only pray that this means she’s finally gotten her shit together.  Bless me!  Did I just say shit?  Dear Lord, I said it again! Forgive me, Heavenly Father,” the Pontiff said, in an obviously unprepared statement. “I only mean to say that while this isn’t one of the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse mentioned in the Holy Book, what is the world coming to when Courtney Love is the sane and calming influence in a legal and media maelstrom?  I don’t know… but I could use a gin and tonic… and a cigarette. And prayer!  I will pray for them both.”

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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