NORTH POLE—For the first time ever, Santa Claus has issued a Press Release. This missive was received by Mooseclean’s today, just a day before the start of the City of Toronto Annual Santa Claus Parade.
The Statement from the Office of Santa Claus, states: “As you well know, I am proud to be the Guest of Honour, again, at the Annual Parade in Toronto. In light of the continuing controversy caused by the Mayor of the City of Toronto, Robert Ford, I am personally asking that he find someone else to be on Sunday. Of course, his lovely wife and beautiful children are very welcome to attend and enjoy the festivities.”
Mooseclean’s immediately called the North Pole and was fortunate to reach the “Jolly Old Elf” himself, just as he was preparing for the long trek to Toronto for his appearance.
“Santa, I have to admit that everyone is quite taken aback by your personal involvement in this situation. Isn’t it unusual for Santa to request that someone NOT attend the parade?”
“First of all, nice of you to call, my dear. Yes, it is unusual for Santa to make this decision. We do have satellite TV up here. I’ve seen those press conferences, apologies, admissions…my goodness! Ho! Ho! Ho! My dear, Santa does not want to associate with or be seen to endorse anyone who may associate with “hoe, hoe, hoes”…and crack…and criminals…and frequently being seen in a murderous, out of control, drunken or chemically-induced stupor.”
“I understand sir. But shouldn’t Santa really just ignore this? Your role, after all, is to greet children, receive their Christmas letters to Santa, keep up to date with the Naughty and Nice lists, and to officially signal the arrival of Christmas.”
“Yes, my dear! But old Santa doesn’t want to be upstaged by a guy, fatter than me, staggering down the streets high on whatever, falling all over children sitting on the curbs. That wouldn’t be a good way for a cherub-faced child to remember a Christmas parade, now would it? Santa doesn’t want his good little boys and girls to end up in the ER department of a hospital or have the parade interrupted with paramedics tending to a crazed Mayor threatening to sue or even kill people!”
“Point taken Santa. Really though, shouldn’t you just leave this up to the police and the City Council to handle?”
“Ho! Ho! Ho! Those wonderful helpful elves, the men and women of the Toronto Police Service have enough to do that day keeping the way clear for Santa and his reindeers to get through the downtown streets. City Council has been very nice, trying to get the Mayor to see reason, but that isn’t going to happen by Sunday.”
“Perhaps though, just as a little advice here, you might want to stay out of the politics of it all?”
“Look, my dear, Ford Motor Company has distanced themselves from him, even the nice Argo Football team doesn’t want to know him anymore! Especially, after that little *ahem* comment, the other day. He can do the walk of shame somewhere else, but not in my parade. Ho! Ho! Ho!”
“Fair enough. Santa, I will let you go; it’s been a thrill talking to you. I am sure you have to prepare for the long trip here and then back to the North Pole, in preparation for your big Christmas Eve journey around the world.”
“Yes, my dear, I do.! Guess what big city Mayor is on my Naughty List this year? No gifts for him. Ho! Ho! Ho! See you on Sunday!”
Mooseclean’s will have a reporter and photographer embedded at the Parade. Details and further stories to follow.