I’m Anxious About my Anti-Anxiety Options
TORONTO—I read that weighted blankets are meant to ease anxiety and help insomnia. But I never felt anxious about my regular-weight bedding until I read about weighted blankets. What else…
Little Tweak on the Prairie
CANADA—More than a thousand Canadians died in the first quarter of 2018, thanks to the opioid crisis. Now, addicts are turning their backs on a drug that was either a…
What’s Haunting Toronto this Halloween?
Toronto has some demons that need to be exorcised. This Halloween, let’s take a look at who and what is haunting the citizens of Ontario’s capital.
Toronto Pursues American Market with Gun Tourism
TORONTO-“If there’s one thing we know about Americans, it’s that they love guns!” said Tourism Toronto director, Abe Sinclair. The director plans on turning US gun lust into tourism gold.…
Toddler Speaks Truth to Power
“No! Broccoli is yucky!” declared two-and-a-half year old Macy Arnold on Wednesday. Crossing her arms, she refused to eat the vegetable and sat in her highchair defiantly. “She used to…
Angry Orange Volcano Named for POTUS
Hawaii—Unstable. Unpredictable. A wispy orange top. It practically named itself. With an angry orange glow, the Kilauea Volcano is destroying everything in its path. This natural disaster seems to have…
Death of Avicii Leaves Gaping Hole in Gym’s Play List
TORONTO—A local music curator is reeling in the wake of DJ and producer Avicii’s death. “I will never compile a prime-time gym playlist the same way again,” said GoodLife Fitness…
Starbucks to Rename Blonde Vanilla Latte Ahead of Racial Bias Training
Starbucks will close more than eight thousand US stores Sunday afternoon for anti-bias training. This forum is in response to the incident in Philadelphia that saw two black men arrested…
God Planning Epic April Fools’ Joke for Easter Sunday
WORLD—This coming Sunday, two important events will take place simultaneously: Easter and April Fools’ Day. God said he plans to honour the coincidence with a legendary joke. “When I realized…
Devil Delivers on Ford Family Deal with Election Win
MARKHAM, ONTARIO—Doug Ford is the new leader of the Ontario PC Party. The Devil has claimed responsibility. The election announcement was delayed more than seven hours after disputes with ballots.…