The news, improved.
Stories written by Sebastian Panache
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LONDON, England—Buckingham Palace reports that Prince Philip of Britain is "going to pull through" after undergoing exploratory abdominal surgery at the urging of his Master, the Queen. Elizabeth II, who…
LONDON, England—Onlookers were puzzled Friday when a whale swam up the River Thames, eventually running aground near Parliament. Experts on the scene identified it as a Northern bottlenose. “Frankly, I…
OTTAWA—Radio-Canada, the French-language service for television and radio, has finally made it completely unclear who they are and where they are broadcasting from. In recent decades the federally-funded network has…
OAKVILLE, Ontario—Today, in reaction to a policy change by Starbucks prohibiting smokers from lighting up within 8 metres of any of their 7,000 North American locations, Tim Hortons announced a…
OTTAWA—Sad news today for Ottawans hoping to chow down on Jimmy Eat World or get their Dixie Chicks fix at this year's Ottawa Bluesfest. Festival director Mark Monahan has revealed…
TORONTO—"Everything is going fine," Rob Ford has said. "I'm keeping taxes low. I've saved a billion dollars. I've been keeping crack off Toronto streets nearly single-handedly. Things are great." But…
SAN DIEGO, California—Authorities reported today the discovery of a five-foot-wide underground tunnel that they believe to be the work of traffickers operating along the U.S.-Mexican border. In addition to providing…
It's a tough job being Amanda Bynes these days. Once the darling of Nickelodeon, she went on to make a number of forgettable movies, fail miserably as a fashion designer,…
TORONTO—The chips just keep falling for Toronto's beleaguered mayor: nacho chips, casino chips, and now animal microchips. Word came late last night that Ford's beloved mongrel Dorf had run away…
FORT SMITH, Arkansas—A “valued, part-time Associate” employee of Walmart Stores Inc. has admitted to stealing an estimated $5,000 in cheap foreign-made merchandise from the world’s largest retailer. Tim Conklin, 67,…