Photo: Christopher Harte, flickr. 

SAN DIEGO, California—Authorities reported today the discovery of a five-foot-wide underground tunnel that they believe to be the work of traffickers operating along the U.S.-Mexican border. In addition to providing adequate headroom for an adult male to walk from Tijuana to an undisclosed US warehouse, the underground route also featured a smoking lounge, roadside munchie vendors, a bong and roachclip novelty store, and a duty free shop boasting unlimited cigarettes and as many litres of alcohol as you can carry.

“There were lots of friendly people offering free product samples along the walkway. It was kind of like shopping at Costco, actually, except for the narcotics of course,” said Joe Don Baker, a special agent for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement. “They’ll sure be surprised when we fill it with cement tomorrow,” he added in an undertone.

Robert Douglas Ford, special agent in charge of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration’s San Diego office, said he’d received a tip from a “Jay Rasulo”, who refused to provide any other personally identifying information, but wanted it on record that he was not the Senior Executive Vice President and Chief Financial Officer of The Walt Disney Company.

“Mr. Rasulo revealed that he originally complained to the Office of the U.S. Trade Representative that a new Mexican tourist attraction was unfairly siphoning money out of the coffers of American businesses, but his complaint was dismissed because this is fully allowable under NAFTA. After some discussion, we were able to discover additional dangers to U.S. citizens, primarily the illegal importation of ‘dangerous and untaxed’ products brought in by tourists. Subsequent interest from the U.S.Food and Drug Administration led to the investigation, discovery and closure of this venture…I mean, danger,” Ford said.

He suspects that the tunnel was excavated by the Harrelson-Chong drug smuggling syndicate, or a similarly well established drug cartel. Enforcement officials worked through the night to evacuate the area of over two tons of marijuana, 900 pounds of hashish, 113 mobile fast food carts, 237 miscellaneous vendors, 39 prostitutes, a physician drop-in clinic, and a law office.

Reached for comment at his twelve room lean-to on the fringes of Burbank, California, former actor and narcotics magnate Tommy Chong said, “I dunno anything about it, man. Can you dig it? It’s totally a bummer though, all that weed goin’ to waste. Do ya know if it’ll be goin’ up for sale at the next government surplus auction?  I need my piece back.  Oh wait… don’t print that.”

Four other tunnels have already been unearthed this month in the Tijuana-San Diego area, all by way of anonymous tips from ordinary people in no way affiliated with powerful businesses or special interest groups.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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