Torontonians surprised Rob Ford tumour not found in head

TORONTO—Ontarians were shocked this week to learn that Mayor-for-the-meantime Rob Ford was admitted to hospital with an abdominal tumour after complaining of stomach pains.

“Abdomen? Really?” exclaimed Gerald Waymire of North York. “I know the man fills his gut with reckless abandon, but if a tumour was going to pop up anywhere, I’d expect it to be in his brain, wouldn’t you? C’mon! Don’t pretend you didn’t think it. We all expected that, didn’t we? Or hoped? I know everyone from Ford Nation was desperately praying for a cogent explanation.”

Humber River Hospital’s president and CEO Dr. Rueben Devlin confirmed that it was definitely abdominal. “Believe me, I’m as flabbergasted as you are. Totally not where our finest medical experts would have predicted,” he is said to have said, before being yanked forcibly from the podium by his lapel.

Etobicoke resident and Ford supporter Kevin Seeger remained hopeful.  “My money says that they’ll extract a partially-developed reabsorbed twin that was somehow connected to his nervous system. If we can plausibly establish that an evil twin brother has been sending messages to his brain, I’d say we’ve got this next election in the bag.”

UPDATE 1: Humber River Hospital reports that the Mayor’s transfer to Mount Sinai has nothing to do with a statement allegedly made by a man who is allegedly the CEO.

UPDATE 2: Councillor Doug Ford has publicly responded to the “evil twin brother” theory, dismissing it as “preposterous”. “No-one and nothing is sending messages to my brother’s brain,” he clarified.

illustration: finklebottom

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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