Former President Donald Trump has reportedly completely lost the ability to listen after a botched attempt on his life left him with a grazed ear. However, insiders claim that the injury merely exacerbated a pre-existing condition: selective hearing.
Sources close to Trump reveal that he had long mastered the art of half-listening, a skill honed during his years in attempted business and politics. “He’d nod, smile, and occasionally throw in a ‘tremendous’ or ‘fantastic,’ but let’s be honest, he was only ever half paying attention,” said a former aide.
While Trump claims he is “fine,” other reports indicate that the recent assassination attempt at a rally has now left him unable to hear out of one ear, officially rendering him incapable of even that minimal engagement. “It’s a tragedy,” said a senior campaign advisor, who asked not to be identified. “Now, when we tell him the economy is in trouble, he’ll have a legitimate excuse for not responding.”
Political analysts are divided on the implications of this development. Some argue it could be a blessing in disguise. “Imagine the debates,” mused one commentator. “Biden will think he’s making valid points, while Trump remains blissfully unaware, smiling and waving.”
In true Trump fashion, he has already turned the incident into a campaign slogan: “Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil – Trump 2024!” The slogan is emblazoned on new merchandise, with a portion of the proceeds going to a very exclusive charity – the Trump Legal Defense Fund.
Fringe theorists suggest that Trump might have orchestrated the whole thing himself. After all, nothing generates sympathy like a good old-fashioned assassination attempt. “Why not hire a shooter to boost your poll numbers?” one satirical pundit quipped. “It’s the ultimate campaign strategy, especially after being declared a felon on 34 counts of falsifying business records. The timing is impeccable!”