Victims of Capitalism Memorial to be housed in abandoned Target store

OTTAWA—After resolutely refusing to yield to public outrage over the construction of the controversial Victims of Communism Memorial on land Parliament had already slated for a new Federal Court building, the government appears to be ready to offer a conciliatory gesture to those who objected to the memorial and its location.

“They heard the criticism that Communism was not deeply entrenched in Canadian history and they appear to have listened,” Ottawa Centre MP Paul Dewar observed. “This new exhibit is one that the majority of citizens—both old and new—can easily relate to… and there’s no problem in finding an appropriate venue to host it.”

The exact ex-Target location where the Victims of Capitalism Memorial will be built was not specified. It was announced that the exhibit will be designed as a fully open-concept museum, with simulated inventory and static and robotic figures staged in realistic depictions of labour, commerce, and other daily life tasks. From nearly life-like automaton friendly greeters to zombie-eyed cashiers, the experience is likely to strike a chord of familiarity. Shuffling shelf-stockers and floor walkers will be programmed to evade approaching patrons, and unintelligible announcements will randomly blare interruptions between generic easy-listening music. Even the employee break rooms and washrooms will be open for public perusal.

“I’m keen to see the level of realism. They’d better be honest,” said a current big box store employee. “If I don’t see off-duty folks sleeping in the bathroom stalls and under the sink, I’m calling bullshit.”

Another employee of similar background agreed, that in order to provide a fair and realistic depiction of low-wage earner life, robot employees should occasionally fall off ladders or collapse to the floor in simulated unconsciousness from exhaustion and malnutrition.

“They should have plenty of those plastic people living in their cars out in the parking lot,” she added. “Cooking on the hood and storing clothes and food in the trunk.”

Patrons wishing to see a live-action version of the proposed memorial are encouraged to visit their local Walmart.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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