Wayward Senators, Ministers to be outfitted with GPS tracking devices

 

OTTAWA—The Prime Minister has greenlit a secret project intended to deter future recurrances of expense travel scandals.

First conceived of in response to former Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay’s use of a Canadian Cormorant military helicopter to return from a fishing trip, efforts were stepped up after other travel-related expenses were revealed for Senators Patrick Brazeau, Mike Duffy, Mac Harb, and Pamela Wallin.

Politicians under active investigation for fraudulent expense claims with regard to their “primary residence” or other similar issues will be hereby required to wear one of several proposed models of geolocation devices, for a period of no less than 5 years.

“Canadian scientists have great expertise in monitoring the migration patterns of our many native species,” said Rory Tate, a senior researcher on the still-experimental project. “The main hurdle to overcome is in initially attaching the device, but the PMO has notified us that we are authorized to track, tranquilize and forcibly install the trackers on any persons that fail to comply voluntarily.”

To suit personal preference and wardrobe characteristics, individuals are offered the choice of an ankle or wrist bracelet, a decorative choker necklace, or a pair of non-removable tracking earrings.

“They are subtle designs, meant to blend in,” Mr Tate explained. “But if there is any attempt to remove or disable them, they will be replaced with large plastic ear tags we customarily use on wildlife.”

The PMO anticipates that the devices will be installed within the next 2 to 4 weeks, provided that everyone comes along quietly.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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