“I’m tired of Rob Ford’s fat boy frat boy brand of politics,” she told reporters on Tuesday. “If I could share one bit of advice, I would quote my dear friend Vernon Wormer, Dean of Faber College: ‘Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son.’ But, I fear it’s too late for that.”

Wynne gave a touching, poignant personal rendition of Rob Ford’s Greatest Hits, from his humble beginnings as a pot smoking DUI stuntman to his more recent exploits grabbing women’s butts and agreeing to score drugs for a constituent (a man later identified only as “Eduardo”, a sexy Mexican cabana boy).

When she’d finished there was nary a dry eye in the room, as tears of laughter streamed down the majority of faces in attendance.

Then, taking a more somber and decidedly Ford-unlike sober tone, Wynne said she hoped the hullabaloo would be resolved soon.

“It’s concerning to me if there are issues, whether they’re personal issues, that get in the way of a government, a municipal government, being able to do its business and being able to work in the best interests of the city,” she said.

“I think in this case, it would be better for all concerned if Mr. Ford would convene a press conference at the earliest convenience and demonstrate to the Canadian public just what sort of man he is.  With a bottle of hooch in one hand and a joint in the other he should provide Toronto, and the world, with a rambling apology, his resignation, and one last glimpse of his jiggling rump squeezing through the exit.”

Ford has called allegations by Gawker and the Toronto Star that he was recorded smoking crack “ridiculous.” However, he has declined to specify he is innocent.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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