OTTAWA—Reports are surfacing that in an attempt to mutually boost their tarnished images, ex-Tory Mike Duffy and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford are in talks to wrestle at a public fundraiser for a yet-unspecified charitable organization.

The various sources are split on their assessments of this public-relations/charity stunt, with one describing it as “daring” while another dismissed it as “desperate”. A third suggested that the rumours were intentionally started to ferret out public opinion in order for the pair to definitively decide whether to proceed with the scheme or not.

“At this point, what more harm can be done?” one source said. “Embarrassing, accidental past behaviour can never disappear. All that is left now is the possibility that the public’s perception might be improved by intentionally funny future behaviour.”

“It’s ‘last ditch’ for both of them, so perhaps they would be well advised to jump in the ditch and start wrestling in the mud, Jell-O, baby oil, whipped cream—whatever,” the second source added. “They’ve both had too many missteps to be taken seriously anymore. Their best hope now is to be taken lightly… and I think the spectacle of two greasy, jiggling, middle-aged, diaper-clad bodies slithering in a pit of shaving lather and their own sweat will do the trick nicely.”

The third source unexpectedly ran to the washroom to throw up before they could provide further comment.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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