ALABAMA—After escaping sexual assault charges in a trial that resulted in a hung jury, Bill Cosby is ready to educate the masses. “I thought to myself, how can I monetize my exploitation of women?” said Cosby. “And with the help of my team, we came up with a motivational speaking tour.”

Cosby, who appeared frail at his trial, seemed reinvigorated by the new campaign. “I want to protect young sex offenders,” he said. “Young athletes are especially vulnerable. They’re my target audience.”

The plan is to launch the town hall-style criminal justice series next month, once Cosby has had a chance to learn about the latest date sedation drugs. “If a black man, even one as beloved as Bill, can get away with drugging and molesting women, it really opens up the potential for all men,” said Cosby’s spokesperson, Andrew Wyatt.

The tour, dubbed Getting Off: Sex Without Consequences, will keep Cosby busy while he awaits a retrial. In light of the new project, lawyers plan to plead not guilty by reason of insanity.

By Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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