Trump Drunk-Texted Putin Ahead of Friday Meeting


WASHINGTON, DC—U up?

It was perhaps the result of too many light beers, a full day of golfing in the sun and not enough hot dogs. On Independence Day, in a moment of weakness, President Trump texted Valdimir Putin ahead of their date today.

I’m up. U thinking about me?

After an intense fit of the giggles, Trump advisers said POTUS took his phone to the bathroom for some privacy.

Can’t wait to finally meet you F2F on Friday.
     Yeah? U gonna make it worth my time?
What do you mean?
     BRB

Trump waited, anxiously pacing the private bathroom at his Virginia golf club. A source close to the president said he was worried about seeming too eager. Then Putin returned.

     Sorry. Had to deal with Syria thing.
That’s cool. Don’t want to bug you.
     It’s ok. Tell me something. BM&Y

Trump was seen through a window, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. Trump National Golf Club employee Ryan Astor reported that the president had a far-away look and bashful smile on his face.

Like what?
     How about a pic?
Your so bad!
     C’mon. I won’t show anyone.
Pic of what?
     Show me your big, beautiful health care plan. Don’t hold out on me. 
     I’m not big mouth democrat.

Trump aides say he came out of the bathroom a short time later. “He seemed kind of, I don’t know, dreamy,” said Astor. “And sunburned.”

An anonymous Kremlin staffer reported Putin was also texting Marine Le Pen and Bela Kovacs at the same time.

Molly Donovan

Molly Donovan

I grew up in the USA, but don't hold that against me because I'm also Canadian. Just think of me as the mole.

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