Photo credit: Tom Podolec, flickr.

Photo credit: Tom Podolec

HAMILTON TOWNSHIP, Ontario—After investigating a number of persons of interest in relation to a rash of unusual thefts in and around the Town of Cobourg, Northumberland O.P.P. now have suspects in custody.

“It originally seemed clear that a person or persons were responsible for the sudden abduction of bras and panties from the victims’ homes,” said Sgt. Peter Leon, “but our investigation turned up additional similarities linking the women together. At this time all we can say is that the three individuals in custody are related.”

The suspects, who cannot be officially named due to an injunction lodged by the appliance manufacturer, are widely believed to be a trio of Ropers purchased at a big box store at a significant discount.

“There is no indication at the present time that the group operated in unison,” Leon cautioned, “though they do seem to share the same character flaw: an obsession for stealing and stockpiling lingerie.”

The Ropers are suspected to have swallowed the stolen property and are likely still storing the evidence inside their bodies. The collection of “souvenirs” is a common characteristic of these depraved types of offences.

Police kept the dryers under prolonged isolation hoping the items would pass, but thus far the Ropers have firmly refused to disclose anything.

All three suspects also refused a strip search. A court order is currently being sought that will allow Police to search their cavities by force, if necessary.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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