Ford outraged by Sammy Yatim shooting

TORONTO—Addressing media at a press conference late Tuesday, Mayor Rob Ford expressed anger and embarrassment over his police department’s fatal shooting of a young man on a Toronto streetcar.

“This is a black eye on our fair city,” the Mayor began. “It’s an affront to everything I stand for and everything I pledged when I ran for leadership. I want to offer you my heartfelt apology…and my solemn pledge that the likes of this will never darken our history again.”

Referring to an Action Plan which was circulated to those in attendance, the Mayor continued.

“First of all, the number of officers that responded to this altercation was far in excess of what was necessary,” Ford said. “Not only was it overly aggressive, it was wasteful. I promised to end the gravy train and the use of necessary force here was an unnecessary expenditure that robbed this city of vital law enforcement coverage in other parts of the city. This will never happen again. Ever.

“Second,” he gasped, “it is absolutely ridiculous that nine bullets were fired. To me this suggests poor training and poor judgement on behalf of the officer involved, not to mention a careless attitude toward bullets. Rest assured, this man will get the training he desperately deserves. Intense remedial firearms training will ensure that it never, ever takes that many rounds to subdue a suspect again.

“Lastly, ” Ford wheezed, clearly overcome by the volume of words, “the tazer was just stupid. A completely humiliating display. It made the whole department look like chumps. Do a good job in shooting someone in the first place and there should be no doubt that the man is down and will stay that way.”

And with that, the Mayor said, “Thanks,” made a gun symbol with his hand, cocked his thumb, squeezed his palm, and blew on his index finger before waddling swiftly from the podium. No questions were taken and thrown shoes were ignored.

 

UpdateNewer, even better version of Sammy Yatim shooting emerges

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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