As the Government of Canada continues modernizing throughout the 21st century, the definition for a household income below $30,000 has evolved from “low-income” into “peasant.”

During a press conference at an aging apartment complex in Scarborough, Joe Oliver, Minister of Finance, said that, “It’s time to call a spade a spade.”

While taking care of a family and covering the costs of living, parents in the bottom standing of socio-economics have been given false hope under the pretence “low-income,” as if there’s any hope of a career advancing while an average of 30% of their income is spent on making the minimum credit card payments, Mr. Oliver said. Alternately, the term “peasant” encourages greater complacency in the McJobs sector of the workforce, he suggested.

“On a large scale, we need peasants to commit longer to their workplace. It’s awful for the economy when minimum-wagers become ambitious and quit their jobs.”

When pressed about the importance of equal opportunity, Mr. Oliver said that the theory still exists, but it has yet to be proven.

Asked what the rewording of this definition means, Mr. Oliver explained that nothing will change in practice, but a more sensible term for hopeless habitants was long overdue. With new restrictions added to the Temporary Foreign Worker program in June, there is becoming a greater need for domestic peasants, he added.

“Consider somebody working the graveyard shift at 7/11 – cleaning out Slurpee and hot dog machines, dealing with junkies, humouring gambling addicts, and assuming serious risk of robbery for just 60 cents more than minimum wage – it’s hard to imagine how a peasant living in the medieval ages would have had it worse,” he said. “Personally, I’d rather be called a peasant; I’ve never heard of a peasant having to steal toilet paper from work.”

Mr. Oliver then cited an example to support his belief that the cycle of peasantry repeats itself: One peasant who works at 7/11 was fined $3,000 after he was caught selling cigarettes to a minor. That man must now reproduce more peasants to help work off his financial burden, or his debt may never be relieved, the Minster warned.

He also said that by 2018, public school students will graduate two years earlier across the country, as their education can now be compensated by “the revolutionary training programs” that fast food restaurants and retail put their peasants’ through.

By Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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