Taliban terrorists’ buttholes added to Allah’s “72 Virgins” roster


Photo credit: FS1 – Community TV Salzburg (flickr).

JANNAH—Following the horrific massacre of 132 students at Army Public School in Peshawar, God Himself has spoken out against the Taliban.

“The seven members of Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan have earned My Wrath and will be punished accordingly,” Allah said, from His luxury garden in Paradise. “Upon their death, they were placed in stockades along with other similar transgressors, with their buttocks presented in perpetuity for the eternal enjoyment of pious, gay Muslim men.”

When asked about this seemingly radical shift from traditional Islam, Allah was direct.

“Nonsense. Just like every other one of My Holy Books, The Glorious Qur’an has been tampered with—selectively edited to reflect the preferences and perspectives of a political majority. I love all My Children equally, no matter who they love.”

In some Islamic scripture, it is said that believing men will be rewarded in Heaven by being wed to 72 virgin females. Homosexuality, on the other hand, has been traditionally regarded as not only a sin, but a crime under Islamic law.

Allah, the Most Compassionate, Beneficent and Merciful, continued. “Think about it. It seems pretty unfair to let otherwise straight-and-true homosexual men go without for eternity just because of an insignificant variation in partner preference. As such, you would expect them to enjoy their full measure of reward in The Afterlife. And so it shall be done.”

Taliban PR refused to comment directly on this story but issued a fatwa against Mooseclean’s, adding this story’s author to its ever-expanding hit-list of journalists.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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