Ontario Deputy Premier to fix homeless problem by mass deportation

With above-average literacy, healthcare-fortified bodies, and predominantly white skin, Canada’s homeless are a booming export to America’s economically decimated subprime mortgage crisis urban wastelands.

Deputy Premier Deb Matthews has finally tipped her hand on Ontario’s new Poverty Reduction Strategy to end homelessness.

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Study confirms escalators habitually out of commission

OTTAWA—In public spaces across the country, moving stairs remain stubbornly immobile.  Unaware pedestrians approach these jagged-toothed people movers and stop short. The public seems to forget how to navigate these beasts like normal stairs and hold up traffic, trip or assume they only work in one direction.

Now Sid Arnold, head repairman at Humboldt Elevator and Escalator in Toronto, has confirmed what we’ve suspected all along: escalators only work 10% of the time. “Yeah, it’s a total scam,” said Arnold.  “They’re built to run for three, maybe four days, before they need servicing.” 

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Couple’s dream of crippling debt comes true

TORONTO—Peter Juxton and Amanda Roberts sit nervously holding hands in the backseat of a black BMW 320i.  Lining the street are five similar cars with five similar couples.  Then comes the news.

“Peter, Amanada,” says Toronto realtor Michael Bayes, with pause for effect, “the house is yours!”

“It’s happening!” screams Amanda.  “Our life starts today!  I knew adding another twenty thousand dollars to our bid would put us on top!”

All over Toronto, this scene is playing out.  Young couples looking to buy their first home get into bidding wars over properties their parents wouldn’t let the dog sleep in. 

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NOPE-A! Greek olive oil threatened

ATHENS—In an effort to streamline Greece’s crippled economy, a government-funded study has recommended some fundamental changes to the country’s food production.  A particularly slippery suggestion: blending sacred Greek olive oil with cheaper vegetable oil.

“Never!” shouted Zacharo olive farmer, Dimitris Panagos.  “These new-world Greeks with their waxed chests and manscaped eyebrows want us to betray our heritage for the sake of the almighty Euro! What’s next? Feta cheese made with cow’s milk?”

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