Dollar Tree, Not Giving Tree
USA—Where can you buy a laundry basket, pregnancy test, and reading glasses for three dollars? Not Dollar Tree. Not anymore. The US-based company has said it will begin charging more…
Science Unwelcome in Alberta, Declare Yellow Vests
The yellow vest movement has crossed the pond and the prairies, landing in Alberta. Picking up the mantle laid down in France, some Albertans are rallying to bring attention to…
Harper to outsource human Canadians
To avoid the ramifications of a nuclear holocaust, severe global warming, or any other world-wide catastrophe – human consciousness will be conceived into computer circuits by the year 2100, Prime Minister…
Feds update definition of “impoverished”
As the Government of Canada continues modernizing throughout the 21st century, the definition for a household income below $30,000 has evolved from "low-income" into "peasant." During a press conference at…
Ontario Deputy Premier to fix homeless problem by mass deportation
With above-average literacy, healthcare-fortified bodies, and predominantly white skin, Canada's homeless are a booming export to America's economically decimated subprime mortgage crisis urban wastelands. Deputy Premier Deb Matthews has finally…
Study confirms escalators habitually out of commission
OTTAWA—In public spaces across the country, moving stairs remain stubbornly immobile. Unaware pedestrians approach these jagged-toothed people movers and stop short. The public seems to forget how to navigate these beasts…
Couple’s dream of crippling debt comes true
TORONTO—Peter Juxton and Amanda Roberts sit nervously holding hands in the backseat of a black BMW 320i. Lining the street are five similar cars with five similar couples. Then comes…
NOPE-A! Greek olive oil threatened
ATHENS—In an effort to streamline Greece’s crippled economy, a government-funded study has recommended some fundamental changes to the country’s food production. A particularly slippery suggestion: blending sacred Greek olive oil…