OTTAWA—An undisclosed number of vehicles belonging to the Canadian Armed Forces are MIA since undergoing routine maintenance, Minister of National Defence Rob Nicholson revealed today.

The transports were being stored on military premises after emerging from an on-site spray booth with a fresh coat of camouflage. However, when personnel later returned for the vehicles, they could not be located.

“I don’t want anyone to be alarmed,” said General Thomas J. Lawson. “We have a strict check-in and check-out procedure on the base. We know we’ve got them. We’re just not certain where they’re parked.”

Army vehicles are no longer equipped with remote keyless entry systems, a flashing light and honking horn response, the General added. Past experience demonstrated this to be an undesirable feature when a number of troop locations were unexpectedly revealed to enemy combatants, with disastrous results.

“I don’t see this as a serious threat to our national security. Canada’s fleet of vehicles is negligible anyway,” opined Defence Critic Hayward Smook. “In a pinch, the top brass could probably procure a comparable replacement fleet from Hertz. They even offer a discount for troops, though I think the jump in insurance rates might offset the savings somewhat.”

A spokesman from the Chief of Defence Staff said that search efforts would continue but the inevitable arrival of snow would eventually reveal their whereabouts.

By Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. You can follow him on Twitter @SebPanache, except he quit posting there after Elon bought it. Search for Mooseclean's on Mastodon instead.

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