France relieved by Hollande infidelity revelations


Photo:  Jean-Marc Ayrault (jmayrault), flickr

While many around the world were troubled by reports of French President François Hollande’s extra-marital affair with actress Julie Gayet, citizens of France were in a celebratory mood today.

“Before this so-called scandal hit the news, I was deeply disappointed in Hollande,” said Pomeroy Jolicoeur of Montmorency, Val-d’Oise. “To my eyes, the man he was before was the embarrassment: an aging, monogamous, blathering, monotonous bobblehead. A shame to our great nation. My heart is gladdened by the knowledge he has been living a secret life as a free man. Unchained from his desk, sneaking away from press interviews, a man on the prowl: chasing—and catching—younger, more attractive women right under our noses.”

Given the huge upsurge in Hollande’s approval rating, it seems that the nation is in agreement.

“A powerful, older man. A beautiful and talented actress. A secret tryst. It has all the ingredients of a reality series I would watch again and again,” added Yvette Plaisance. ” I wept for Valerie Trierweiler. Her tragic mental breakdown. Her hospitalization from the shock and grief of being cast aside. And then Julie’s bitter lawsuit? Such an engaging drama! I can’t wait to see the next episode.”

Even staunch academics and political analysts were positive about the current developments.

“There is a long and proud tradition of infidelity woven into our societal fabric, through all times and at all levels. It’s who we are,” historian Noémi Lizotte explained. “While I understand this may be distasteful to some, it is culture, not unlike our cheese. French culture, like brie, smells funny and runs a bit, but that’s what makes it enjoyable. Both are an acquired taste. For President Hollande to do less than the common man, let alone his predecessors, would be an abomination. He would pass into history a condemned man, in the shadow of great womanizing debaucherers like François Mitterrand and Jacques Chirac. He would be remembered as a politician to be sure, but not an icon. Not a leader. And hardly a man.”

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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