To avoid the ramifications of a nuclear holocaust, severe global warming, or any other world-wide catastrophe – human consciousness will be conceived into computer circuits by the year 2100, Prime Minister Stephen Harper told the United Nations yesterday.

The Government of Canada is preparing new legislation which will funnel all of the nation’s non-essential resources into developing the Next Intelligence Immersion program, which is set to launch by the end of 2015.

“While it may seem frightening to experience life through the circuits of a computer chip inside of an electro-mechanical machine foregoing human feeling, thought, and emotion – consider this: no organic matter will have the ability to survive on earth after we complete the drainage of Alberta’s oil sands.”

Although the price of balancing Canada’s federal budget may come at the cost of all human life, it is possible to reinvest a portion of tax revenue into the development of technology that can sustain intelligence. Though it can seem like an oxymoron, Harper said that preserving intelligent life is more important than trying to save humanity.

Harper worries that if humans became extinct, and Earth were visited by intelligent life afterwards, it would be disappointing for aliens to discover our ruins and not talk to us about our technological feats, such as the Canadarm.

With a race of robots to post-exist homo sapiens, all of human understanding could be passed onto artificial intelligence, which will then be capable of learning and expanding upon existing knowledge, Harper theorizes. If reincarnation is the essence of existence, then it could very well be possible that our spirits could one day live within artificial intelligence, he blasphemously said.

“Who’s to say what consciousness even is?” Harper philosophized.

Harper rejected criticism that robots would become a superior race and then evil-natured, subsequently enslaving humanity before another flavour of imminent doom ends life as we know it.

“We’re not building the Terminator – this isn’t science fiction,” he said. “We will program the first generation of robotic Canadians to be kind and polite, and design them to be better at hockey than any human.”

Mr. Harper further argued that electronic brains are simply the evolution of intelligent life. He said that humans will live again after extinction – our robotic offsprings will be able to figure out how to re-engineer human DNA to survive the harsh conditions of future Earth.

“We’ll design robots that can survive the doomsday which we’ll inevitably create, and afterwards, the robots will be able to recreate modified versions of us through test tube technology.”

Although “test tube technology” doesn’t yet exist, and Harper will be one of the few humans allowed to live outside of robot captivity, the bulk of criticism against the Next Intelligence Immersion program came from where the robots would be produced.

“We don’t want the next generation of Canadians to be Made in China,” Finance Critic Nathan Cullen said.

Harper said the robots will be manufactured in China to make sure Canada will be in “solid economic shape” when the robots inherit our banking system.

By getting an early start and dominating the robotic life market, Canadians will have the richest robotic history. That will come in handy in the future, when robots of colour try and make territorial claims based upon Aboriginal ancestry, Harper said.

By Dan Walton

Between Draxel's apartment, a supervised injection site, and the free Internet here at the library, I get a lot done every week. Just today I clipped my nails and brushed my teeth. And I can run really fast even though I only eat once each day. When I lived with my parents, I would make Kool-aid, and I put a lot more sugar in the pitcher than the package called for. That was then. Now I can't even think about drinking it because I don't have sugar or a pitcher. And where am I gonna get enough water to make a whole jug of Kool-aid? Plus if I did make Kool-aid, who's gonna let me keep it in their fridge?

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