Ice storm peddling confirms that winter cyclists are certifiably fucktarded


What could possibly go wrong? Photo credit: The Bike Fed (flickr).

OTTAWA—Despite 15 millimetres of freezing rain coating the 18 centimetres of snow that fell recently, observers report that Ottawa bikes are continuing to traverse the National Capital Region.

“I do this for my health,” proclaimed Angie Peel of Centretown, astride her vintage ’70s touring bike. “Why would I limit my health consciousness to 8 or 9 months a year?”

When her lifeless body and mangled green Sekine were later extracted from the chasis of a municipal road grader, it was regrettably impossible to gloat about the unfortunate paradox . . . so, we interviewed someone else.

“Now, as always, the main environmental hazards to cyclists are vehicles, not weather,” affirmed Robert Robles of Sandy Hill.

Tragically, shortly after making this statement, Robles’ thin racing tires failed to adequately negotiate a left turn, leaving him on his side and tangled in his bike frame in a busy intersection. Even with recently-installed snow tires, an approaching Dodge Caravan was unable to stop in time. Police have declined to lay charges against the driver. While saddened, Roble’s family insist that the incident proved his comments to be “partially correct.”

“I think you’re unfairly reporting the extreme circumstances affecting a small minority just to prove your point,” Eleanor Burciaga rebuked. She later called Mooseclean’s from home to report that she’d arrived safe and sound, despite our “slanted, doom-and-gloom fearmongering”.

Rightfully shamefaced, we invited her to lunch to apologize and to obtain her follow-up comments for this story. Regrettably, a friend of Ms. Burciaga postponed the meeting due to an apparently unrelated accident causing a broken collarbone, a dislocated shoulder, and moderate head injuries resulting in mild speech and memory impairment.

We hope to provide Ms. Burciaga’s detailed rebuttal to Mooseclean’s readers before the spring thaw. In the meantime, cyclists: don’t be dissuaded from living life on your terms. Chances are you’ll be just fine.

And if not, hey, your name will appear in Mooseclean’s. It’s win-win.

Sebastian Panache

Sebastian Panache

Editor-in-Chief. Follow him on Twitter @SebPanache. Or don’t. It’s okay, really.

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